Who would I be if I weren’t, as I am now a man of unknown faith my head out on its own, and god too and language patched from languages. Say I were a long-haul truck driver, what would I eat what would I think, where would I sleep and with whom. The scenery would pass by I wouldn’t shave. I would wash my oily hands in a stream or snowdrift, like a real man, I’d be a staunch upholder of patriarchal polygyny, even if just for one night. I would read Motor Racing Weekly, I’d have no dreams no tricks of the unconscious, no refined whinings on the meaning of existence, I would owe nothing to anyone, and no-one would owe me anything. I’d drive through life and Europe, all brawn and blag and bristle, in my transcontinental trailer, and you could go and whistle.
I drag myself in to a dark cold room. Suddenly the strobe light comes on, flashing around like white lightning. My head starts to spin, I feel nauseous. Every millisecond of light reveals a face, different faces flash around me, some of them I haven’t seen for a while, some of them I come across each day. I feel a blow to my stomach, another one to my head, it keeps on coming. The stinging pain hits my soul, I can’t hide, I can’t defend. Blow after blow, hit after hit. It seems familiar, the pain. And then it stops, gone. No strobe light, no faces, no hits. Pain still lingers, slowly fading away. And the light appears, coming from an old dimmed light bulb. I see mirrors around me, dusty cracked mirrors, and the face, the bloated disgusting face. Eyes full of tears, with no life in them. I light up a cigarette, my knuckles bleeding. I look and I know there’s no way to run, no way out of this room, no safe path to take.
I slept with a fight. I slept with a madness. I slept with vice. I cheated on you with my mad tears. You are deep breathing to cool me down. You are biting my lips to hurt me. You are strangling me to take my soul away. You are pulling me down to ruin me. I slept with a sin. I slept with a lust. I slept with a rage. I cheated on you with my mad tears. You are deep breathing to cool me down. You are biting my lips to hurt me. You are strangling me to take my soul away. You are pulling me down to ruin me. I slept with a mysterous crime, crime, crime. I lost my mind with a darkness, keep away from me, and kill me slowly. You are deep breathing to cool me down. You are biting my lips to hurt me. You are strangling me to take my soul away. You are pulling me down to ruin me.
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